


All My Fault

by foxanddanapetrie



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: Angst, F/M, One Shot, post cyprus, post series 8 episode 1, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26384608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxanddanapetrie/pseuds/foxanddanapetrie
Summary: Starts at the end of s08e01 and then goes it’s own way from there.  Pure Ruth and Harry angst.  I don’t know why I do this to myself.  tw: miscarriage
Relationships: Ruth Evershed/Harry Pearce
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	All My Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I would like to start with a trigger warning here for a miscarriage!  
> I often think about what Ruth would have been like directly after the events of series 8 episode 1. I expect she would have been pretty angry with Harry and I've also dabbled with the "what if" she was pregnant when she came back to England. This is not a happy story and I have no idea where this came from. Couldn't figure out how to end this so I just left it there. Anyway, I hope you enjoy

She went home with him that night. That awful night, the one that seemed more like a nightmare than reality. But she had nowhere to go. 

“Will she go home?” Jo asked.

“She is home.” Harry told the grid. But really, he had no idea where she fit anymore. Was this really her home? “She’s just told the boy his father is dead.” Harry informs them.  _ It’s all my bloody fault. Ruth gave up everything for me and now here I am taking it all away from her again. _

“Ruth’s angry with you.” Malcolm says in the privacy of his office.  _ If I were Ruth, I’d never speak to me again. _

When Malcolm walks out of the office, Harry’s eyes follow him and land on the desk that used to be Ruth’s. In the blink of an eye, five years of memories flash before his eyes. Five years of watching her, catching glimpses of her quirks, her smiles, her brilliance. What he wouldn’t do to get back there. To be with the Ruth that was, the Ruth before he let MI5 ruin her. 

She went home with him that night, despite her better judgement. She knew full well that Harry would have been able to pull some strings to get her a last minute safe house but something in her wanted to be alone with him. She wanted to open her mouth and tell him everything that happened in the last three years. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the way Ruth worked. Her mind worked faster than one could fathom but when it came to speaking, her voice stopped her short. 

She wanted to lay with him, in his arms, and never move but she knew that wouldn’t be right.

“Do you love him?” He had asked her. The audacity hee had to ask her something so personal when they were in the middle of being kidnapped. She wasn’t going to bring her feelings into this but somehow it was feelings that started this whole mess.

Still, somehow after the events over the last 24 hours, she found herself in his car, heading towards his house.

When the car came to a stop, he got out, walked around and opened her door for her. She didn’t move right away. She just sat still, staring forward.

“I feel like I’ve been hit by a car.” She whispers, not looking at him.

“Come on, just a few more steps and you can rest.”

She looks up at him with disbelief in her eyes, wondering if he really believes she’ll be able to sleep after today. He reaches out his hand and she takes it.

“I’m going to take a bath if you don’t mind. Wash the day off me.” She says as he unlocks the door. 

“Of course. I assume you still know where everything is.” She nods as he takes her coat.

After she’s gone upstairs, he goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of whiskey, sits on the sofa and strokes Scarlet, not sure what to do with himself.  _ Will she want to talk about it? What made her say yes to staying with me if she’s angry with me? _

Ruth makes her way upstairs, opens the linen closet at the top of the landing, grabs a towel, and heads towards the bathroom. On her way, she peeks into his bedroom noticing that not much has changed. His record collection is still in a box in the corner of his room near the record player even though he almost never uses it. His razor is still on the edge of the sink along with a tube of toothpaste almost empty.  _ Still the same old Harry. _

When she draws the bath, the sound of the water immediately brings her peace as it fills the silence they had been shrouded in since leaving the grid.

After an hour and a half, he decides to check on her, to give a light knock on the door so she knows he’s still here for her. Standing outside the bathroom, he doesn’t hear anything, no water running, no movement. He knocks. “Ruth?” He says in the softest tone he can manage. “Are you alright?”

She doesn’t answer.

“Ruth? Are you in there?”

Still no answer. He cracks the door open slightly so that he can hear better, careful not to startle her. “Ruth?” This time he can hear her sniffling, trying to suppress her crying. He takes her lack of response as a sign that she doesn’t mind if he opens the door wider. 

When he looks up, he sees her, looking smaller than he’s ever seen. She’s in the bathtub but the water has drained out. She’s sitting with her arms wrapped around her knees and she’s looking down. 

“Can I come in?”

She nods. She doesn’t seem to mind the fact that she’s naked so he tries not to notice it for her sake. When he comes closer, he sees a bright red streak of blood in the tub. 

“Ruth, what-” There have been countless times when Harry Pearce has been at a loss for words when talking to Ruth but this was the worst of all. He was frozen.

“Don’t. Just don’t say anything.” She says between heavy, post sobbing breaths.

“Are you-”

“Pregnant?” She finishes.

“But- should I- do we need to get you to a hospital?” He turns around and quickly reaches for the towel on the counter and wraps it around her, her hair still dripping wet.

“No.” She says barely in a whisper. “No. Just-” She pauses as her eyes look up to the corner of the ceiling while she tries to stop her tears from falling again. “No. There’s nothing they’ll be able to do.” She continues. “Just have to...wait for it to stop.”

“But-”

“Harry.”

Finally, she moves to wrap the towel around herself tighter. The amount of blood was alarming to Harry. 

“Are you in pain?”

“A little. Just cramping.”

“Ruth, I had no idea. I’m- God I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am for all this. I didn’t think this day could get any worse.”

“Neither did I.” She says as she lets out half of a laugh at the irony. “You know, living in England, I never once thought about being a mother. I wouldn’t have been suited for it- working all hours at MI5, not to mention the fact my closest companion was a cat...and...you I suppose.”

By now, Harry had sat down on the floor next to the tub, his back resting on it, facing away from her but she saw him lower his head and smile slightly. “But then here I was with this seemingly surreal life with a house and a husband and a ready-made family. After a while, somehow George and I got on the subject of having another kid. At first I was leary of it but then I thought why not? If I was ever going to have a kid, that would have been my chance so we decided that we’d give it a shot…” Her voice drifted off as she wondered how Harry would take all of this. Earlier this morning, he had no idea what her life was like and now, here she was, in his bathtub having lost everything.

She knows he can’t see her but she looks away anyway knowing the tears were about to fall again. “I really thought the baby might be my one constant. The one thing left to bridge the gap between Cyprus and my coming back here. Maybe I am naive like you said all those years ago.”

“You’re not naive.” He responds, not knowing what else to say. ‘“Are you sure you don’t need to get checked out. Do you want to get dried off and into bed?” She glances at him quickly. “You can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the sofa.”

“Harry you don’t have to-”

“Ruth, I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you if you’ll let me. The very least I can do is take the sofa.”

He knows from the lack of response that she is too tired to argue so he helps her out of the bath and closes the door to give her some privacy.

The next morning, he wakes to find her already in the kitchen making tea. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” she says as she offers him a tired smile and a mug.

“How are you? I mean, how do you feel?” he says as he accepts the mug.

“Emotionally or...or physically?” she stutters as she looks down to avoid his eye contact.

“Either, both…” 

“Well physically I feel alright. Might go get checked out later this week just in case.”

“Ruth- I just wanted to say that I never meant for any of this to happen. You are the most important person in the world to me and you must know that I’d do anything to make all of this right. I was between a rock and a hard place.”

“I know.” She says, quieting him. “I know.”


End file.
